Lines of War
by sophiesix
Summary: Can love between a Seeker and a Human survive in time of war? Escalating conflict is drawing a line between humans and Souls. Flame and Alex are forced to choose on what side of the line they stand. Follows Messages in the Grass
1. Chapter 1

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**Lines of War**

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_Can love between a Seeker and a Human survive in time of war?_

_Escalating conflict is drawing a line between humans and Souls. Flame and Alex are forced to choose on what side of the line they stand._

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_(Sorry about all the quotes. I figure if you've got this far, you'll indulge me a little. Feel free to scroll past if you get bored. Or look for hints about the plot, whatever ; ) )_

War:

A state of armed often prolonged conflict carried on between organized parties

A concerted effort to combat or put an end to something considered injurious

The organization of individuals to pursue hostile or defensive acts against each other for the good of a group or advancement of a purpose.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles  
And by opposing end them

**Hamlet:**  
I did love you once.

**Ophelia:**  
Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.

**Hamlet:**  
You should not have believ'd me, for virtue cannot so  
inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it. I lov'd you not.

**Ophelia:**  
I was the more deceiv'd.

**Hamlet:**  
Get thee to a nunn'ry, why woulds't thou be a breeder of sinners?

- Hamlet

"Oft expectation fails, and most oft there  
Where most it promises; and oft it hits  
Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits."

- All's well that ends well

Dukh and Dusha are noted separately only for convenience

- Dal's Russian Dictionary 1880

* * *

**_Moving_**

**_***_**

I settled the pack straps more comfortably on my shoulders and waited for Dorsey to finish saying goodbye. Alex and Henry were already halfway down the valley.

"Hurry up!" I called to Bhask, who was walking slowly over to us. "Where's your pack?" He would decide to break a strap _now_. I took off my pack to look for my sewing kit.

"Mum," Bhask said hesitantly, "I'm not coming." Straightening up, I looked at him; stunned.

"What do you mean you're not coming?"

"I'm not coming," he repeated, glancing at Dorsey. But for once, she didn't help him out.

"Men's ceremony. It's important," he said shyly.

I had no idea what that meant, but I knew better than to ask.

"You're telling me this now?"

"I just decided."

"Time to cut the apron strings, Mum," George said, patting my arm.

"We'll look after him," Edie smiled. Was it me or was her smile a little faint. Why would he need looking after? What were they going to do? I looked from one to the other carefully.

"Maybe I better stay here," I said, putting the sewing kit back on my pack.

"Oh no," Dorsey said, grabbing the kit in one hand and hefting the pack up with the other. "Come on, we've been planning this for ages." My arms slid into their straps grudgingly, but my feet stayed put.

"He'll be fine, Flame," Dorsey insisted, grabbing my hand and pulling me along. I snuck glances behind me until I saw Bhask give me a small wave. "Oh man, you're not going to cry are you?"

"No," I said determinedly. Surrounded by the empty plain, the boys had stopped to wait for us.

"What's up with her?" Henry asked. Dorsey nodded towards the camp silently, and Henry nodded and kept walking. Alex looked back towards the camp, thinking. I got the idea they knew more about what was going on than I did. So what was new?

"Come on, Alex! I'm not going to have to drag you too, am I?" Dorsey called back, still pulling me along. Finally he started walking again.

"Bhask'll catch up with us later," Dorsey was saying, "_Come on, _would you_?_ It's starting to rain!"

It spat for hours before making up its mind and letting loose volleys of rainwater. We sprinted for the nearest tree and dumped our packs. Massive trees studded the plain here, their canopies shattering the raindrops overhead into a fine spray. Alex came up behind me and put his arms around me, leaning his head on mine. We waited in silence, watching the plain become engulfed by rain, the silhouettes of trees dissolving into the misty distance, a shade lighter at a time.

Alex had been quieter since Falling Smoke had left. Not that he had ever been a huge talker. But he had been quiet after I was taken out of him too, and it always made me worry about what he was thinking. Especially now with memories of torture to cope with. But other than the quietness he seemed the same old Alex. Strong, careful, gentle. I tried not to leave him alone, but Dorsey insisted I worried too much. He was fine. Same old Alex.

"We may as well keep going. We're getting soaked anyway," Henry said finally. The canopy was saturated and had started to collect huge drops to aim down our necks. We pulled out our rain jackets and moved on.

***

We were delivering emergency food supplies to Justin's and Margie's groups, which were located at the same spot: Margie's camp had been attacked. Another human group had invaded, and they'd refused to join them. They had been forced to leave. Now they were effectively homeless, and were sheltering uncomfortably with Justin's group til they could find a new camp.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to see Seekers," Raj said, retelling the story as we walked up to their camp with the supplies.

"We would have been decimated without them," Stan agreed.

"Didn't they take you into the city?" I asked. They looked at each other.

"We didn't want to go. If a lion chases off the hyenas, it doesn't mean you should get cosy with the lion."

"It's safer with people. People you know."

This was an unfortunate consequence of the moratorium. Without the threat of Seekers, the humans weren't confined to hiding anymore. And they were taking advantage of that to start expanding. Some of the alliances had even been formed at the congress.

"Take away the top predator and all hell breaks loose," Alex said softly.

Dorsey and I left the boys to set up our camp while we went to wash off the rain and mud and get into dry clothes.

"The Seekers have got to stop this sort of thing," Dorsey was saying, stripping off her soaking top and dumping it in a soapey basin.

"The Seekers can't stop the humans fighting each other: the humans are too good at keeping out of their way. It'd be a guerilla war." I scrubbed the mud off my legs.

"Well someone's got to stop them. It's ridiculous. We shouldn't be fighting each other."

I wondered grimly if the humans would ever stop fighting. It seemed nothing could stop them.

We came back to find Etty curled up in Alex's lap, gazing at us like a lion from her rock. I waited for her to run, but she didn't even tense up. I eased myself down to the ground, and she glanced up at Dorsey, as if I were no more interesting than a pebble.

"How long has this been going on for?" I asked softly, watching in amazement as Etty turned her back on me to better watch a bird fly off in the trees.

"Oh, we've been friends for ages, haven't we?" Alex said. She nodded absently, and he poked her belly, regaining her attention.

"You used to visit me when I was sick, when we first came, didn't you?" he asked her. She nodded, gazing at him seriously, relaxing into the crook of his knee.

"Never when Flame was around, of course," he added, "We didn't like her." She shook her head.

"No, but she's not so bad now." She thought about this for a while then nodded.

The others laughed.

"Oh Flame, I think you've got some competition there." Henry said.

"That's amazing. No one else can get her to communicate so much," Margie said softly, gazing at the child as if seeing her anew.

"Yeah, well, our Alex certainly has a way with the girls," said Dorsey, leaning on me, "Good thing he spent half his adult life alone in a national park or he'd have half the country after him."

"And what makes you immune?" Henry said.

"Who says I'm immune? It's the thought of kissing my brother that turns me off."

I shifted quickly so she overbalanced and fell onto her elbow as Henry threw a shoe at her. Etty laughed delightedly.

"He's not your brother!" I protested.

"He may as well be," she muttered.


	2. Chapter 2 Attacking

**Attacking**

*******

We spent the night there then moved on to Flynt's camp. There'd been reports of unusual Seeker activity in the area and we wanted to find out what was going on. We parked where I had camped with Bhask so long ago.

"Which way, Flame?" Henry asked as we hauled on our packs.

"I don't know. Ask Alex."

"Oh come on," Dorsey said, then looked at me, "You mean you've really never been there?" I shook my head. "But this was the very first camp you went to after us! They're practically your in-laws!"

I shrugged, remembering waiting for days for Flynt to even meet us. He had never warmed to me since. Alex silently led the way through the forest, and I followed glumly at the rear.

Flynt's camp was unusual because they were ultra careful about Souls. For instance, they would take no supplies that contained waste you couldn't burn, so they would be no garbage to get rid of or tell tale bottles lying around. It meant finding supplies for them was very time consuming. On the other hand, they were used to being self sufficient, and didn't ask for much. So our packs weren't too heavy to carry up the slopes. Flynt met us half way up, standing square across the path.

"You didn't blindfold her," he said bluntly to Alex. Alex stiffened.

"No, I didn't," he replied, waiting pointedly for Flynt to let him pass. Dorsey gave me a worried glance. I wished I could sink into the ground and disappear.

"You said you would blindfold her."

"No; I said I'd look after her. I'm looking after her."

Still Flynt didn't budge.

"For God's sake Dad, she's my _partner_! She's hardly going to bring Seekers here!"

They faced each other off til Flynt grudgingly relented, slowly leading the way up the hill. I wondered why Alex had said partner, and not mate. Surely we were more than partners now? I realized I had only heard Souls use the word mate. What did humans use? I suppose he couldn't call me his wife, that involved some sort of ceremony. I felt lost in meanderings of words and meanings, when the feeling of closeness, of bonding, seemed so clear cut. Or would it not matter to Flynt? Maybe he would never accept a Soul as a daughter-in-law.

The entrance to the camp was a narrow sinkhole. We passed the packs down separately.

"Don't go off exploring," Flynt said, waiting for us at the bottom, "The caves here go a long way. Even we haven't fully explored them."

He led us to a central meeting area. The others watched us arrive silently. Alex put his arm around me and stared them down. Henry followed his lead and ruffled my hair.

"Come on Flame, let's get dinner going, I'm starving!"

I tried to ignore the others as Alex led us to the little cavern where we would be staying. As we ate dinner, Henry got out the radio.

"Go listen to it in the central area," Alex said. Henry looked up at him, surprised, but Dorsey took the radio and pulled him away.

"Please don't let my Dad get to you," he said, grabbing my foot and making his hands into a shoe around it.

"It's not just him, though, is it?" I said, covering his hands in mine. "They don't want me here. I really shouldn't be here."

"Hey. You're welcome wherever I'm welcome, alright?"

"You know that's not true," I muttered. He frowned and packed up the dinner things.

"I'm going to go talk to him." He got up and watched me laying out the sleeping mats.

"You're not going to stay here, are you?" he said, hesitating.

"Why not?" I asked, avoiding his eyes. He pulled me to my feet.

"Go show those darn humans you're darn human too," he said, pushing me down the tunnel.

Conversations died all around me as I walked though the central meeting area. Henry and Dorsey were in the centre, where reception was best, listening to the radio.

"Any news from Bhask?" I asked, joining them, trying to ignore the others.

"Oh we won't hear from him for ages," Henry said, chewing on a grass stem and staying focused on the radio. Dorsey rubbed my knee comfortingly but was equally absorbed.

The radio ran hot with stories of humans attacking humans, forming alliances, breaking them. Around us, Flynt's people were wary. They had altered their system of surveillance to watch for human threats too. All their belongings were packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. They were living on a constant on a battle footing. Maybe it wasn't just me they were suspicious of: maybe it was strangers in general.

***

The next day we saw their surveillance system in action as two unknown human incursions were detected. Strangers arriving unannounced was a cause for panic. A group went to deal with them, but it turned out they were coming seeking refuge.

Everyone gathered round as they told their story in the central area.

"A huge group of Seekers turned up at our camp," they started while tucking into some food.

"How did they know where you were?" Flynt asked, glancing sideways at us.

"We had made some connections at the congress. Their healers had been visiting us. The children had been sick."

I let out a silent breath it had been nothing to do with us. Well, directly, anyway. I could see Flynt justifying his boycott of the congress in his small nod.

"They wanted us to move somewhere else," the new arrivals went on.

"Where?" Flynt's people asked. "Why?"

The newcomers shrugged.

"They said it would be better for us there." The humans looked at each other darkly. They did not like the sounds of this.

"We said we didn't want to go. There was an argument. Some people ran. Some people started trying to get the Seekers off our land. They started shooting…" they were quiet for a second, looking at the floor, overcome by the memories.

"People died," one finished tightly, "But we escaped."

Outrage was expressed by every mouth, mine included. It was a terrible story. Souls were straight out killing people now? I couldn't believe it. There must be more to it, but this was not the time or the place to find out. The humans were disturbed the Seekers had visited apparently to move them. Too many times in human history had this sort of thing happened with dire consequences for those moved. I didn't try to explain that the Souls weren't motivated by human history. If they said they were moving to a better place, they probably were. Then again, the humans were right in that the Soul concept of better was not always exactly the same as the human concept. Football, for example, was not considered 'better' than synchronized swimming.

Flynt caught my eye and I made my way over to him.

"What do you know about this?" he asked, watching me closely.

"Nothing," I said, surprised, "I haven't spoken to a Soul in months. Ever since…" my breath caught in my throat at the memory.

"You implanted my son."

I nodded unhappily. The memory still brought me close to tears.

"Why do you think they did this?" he went on, more softly. I tried to think.

"They said the Healers had been there, treating the children." Flynt nodded. "They would be pretty appalled by how people live. I can only think they really did want to move them somewhere better."

"What would they think was better?"

"Closer to a city, maybe even in a city… houses, supermarket food, schools…"

"Surrounded by Souls."

I nodded, thinking of how Bhask had hated living like that.

"But I don't understand," I went on, puzzled, "It would be a big sacrifice for them. The Souls were never happy to have my son living amongst them. Can they have changed their minds so fast?" It was possible. If they thought it was the right thing to do…

Flynt nodded, and I understood that I was dismissed. People had begun to disperse and I looked around for Alex. He was with Henry and Dorsey, who were listening to the radio again. Dorsey saw me approaching and met me half way.

"I have to go," she said.

"Hey, what's up? We just got here," I asked. She looked vaguely upset.

"Nothing, I just need to get home," she said, but her eyes were skittish.

"Is it Bhask? Dorsey, has something happened to Bhask?"

"No," she said, "he's fine… Just, trust me on this ok?"

"Ok," I said finally, frowning, "You're not going by yourself, are you?"

"No, Henry's coming with me." She tried to give me a smile.

"Ok," I said, still concerned, "Can't I come?"

She gave a quick laugh.

"You're not escaping here that easily. We'll be back before you know it. Probably with Bhask tagging along." She gave me a hug and went to pack.

I sat down with the boys. Alex was quiet, staring at the radio, frowning. Henry smiled at me too cheerfully. I waited, but they said nothing.

"You never tell me anything," I sighed disgustedly, realizing I would just have to trust them. Henry threw a chocolate at me. But I was in no mood for sweet wars. To his dismay I peeled off the wrapper and ate it whole.

"That was dessert!" he complained.

"Life's too short, eat dessert first," I shrugged, pulling Alex's shoulders into my lap. Alex's stare was a great defense, and Henry was quiet after that. Soon Dorsey came back with his pack and they left. I hugged Alex's shoulders harder. It felt like now he was all I had left.

***

The next morning we were woken by the sound of people running. We ran into the central area.

"They're coming," a youth told us, fear writ large on his face, as he made for the exit.

"What's going on?" Alex asked tersely, grabbing a passing man.

"There are Soul vehicles parked all along the road. _Empty_," he said, twisting free.

People were grabbing packs of supplies and children and scattering.

But one group were not scattering. I recognized some of them from past trips, where they'd met us at the car. They were gathering, distributing weapons amongst themselves, loading them, sighting them… They were preparing to fight. I caught Alex as he went to join them.

"What's going on, Alex," I said quietly, unable to take my eyes off the guns.

"We are going to fight, Flame," he replied, looking at me steadily.

"What?!" I hissed. But he was serious.

"Alex, no!" I said, appalled, "You're going to attack them?"

"They are attacking us," he said tightly, "These are my people, Flame." They others watched us guardedly. Locked and loaded.

"They are Souls! They are people! You can't do this! Alex!"

"Alex, if she-" one said warningly.

"Karl, just go. Leave her to me. I'll catch up," Alex said. "Don't get in our way, Flame."

"Alex, no! You cannot do this!"

"You've heard what's been happening-"

"Talk to them! Please! Just try!"

"Like the others did?" he stared me down, "No Flame, we've got to fight them." He picked up his jacket. I grabbed it off him and threw it on the floor.

"No. You don't." I tried to meet his eye but he avoided it, jaw clenched.

"Alex, come on!" Ford called. I ran to stand in the exit tunnel, blocking him.

"Flame, move."

I braced myself against the walls.

"No."

He grabbed my shoulders and yanked me out of the way. As soon as he let go I was in front of him again.

"Flame, get out of my way!" he shouted.

"You're really going to do this, aren't you?" I whispered.

"Flame!" he yelled, but I was already running for the exit. If I could just warn them, maybe- But Alex tackled me and I hit the ground hard, winded. He carried me back to the cavern. His arms were like steel to struggle against. He dumped me on the ground.

"Stay here," he said through clenched teeth, "just keep out of the way."

"You really expect me to just stay here?" I gasped, fighting for breath, "People are going to die!"

"Stay here, or I'll make you stay here," he growled. I made another dive for the exit.

"Don't make me do this Flame," I heard him yell. But again he caught me easily and brought me back. This time he knelt beside me, took off his belt, twisted it, and tied my wrists to my ankles behind my back.

"Alex!" I said, shocked, "You can't do this!"

"I have to do this," he said rigidly, sitting back.

"Help!" I screamed as loud as I could, "The humans-" he swore and clamped a hand over my mouth.

"Shut up!" he hissed, but I glared at him over his hand. Stony-faced he shrugged off his shirt, rolled it up, shoved it in my mouth and tied the arms behind my head. I tried yelling at him through the fabric, but it was useless. Tears of rage dampened the cloth. He closed his eyes, leant forward and rested his forehead on mine.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. And then he was gone.

I humped over to where I had thrown his jacket and curled up on it, shaking.

He had left me. He had really left me. To go kill Souls. I squeezed my eyes closed and wept.

***

It was hours later when they found me. I gazed at the approaching high power torchlights, unmoving. Souls. The humans had evacuated, then. They were gone.

They untied my gag and offered me water. They were asking questions, but I couldn't hear them properly. As soon as they untied me I sat up and held his jacket close to my chest. My muscles screamed as the blood flowed back into them. Hands rubbed at them to get the circulation flowing.

"Hungry Flame, can you walk?" I recognized a Seeker from years ago. I stared at him, frowning.

"They've left," I said finally.

"The humans? Yes, it's ok, they've gone," he answered, checking me over for injuries.

"Are you ok?" he asked worriedly. Funny question, I thought, holding the jacket tighter.

"Did they fight?" I whispered.

"Uh, yes," he replied, and I closed my eyes. "I think they knew we were coming," he said.

"Did anyone die?" I breathed, insides twisted tight.

"Well, Dark Music's host was too badly damaged, but they got him out in time. He'll be ok." I looked at him uncomprehendingly. Just one person injured? It was too much to hope for. Had Alex managed to get them to back off?

Then it dawned on me: he was only talking about Souls.

"What about the humans?"

"The humans?" he frowned, thinking, "Yes I suppose there were some causalities there. Maybe four or five? We won't know til we collate the reports." I buried my head in my knees.

"Hungry Flame?" he asked uncertainly, "We're going to get you out of here now, ok?" I thought about this. But Alex was coming back for me. Wasn't he? Maybe he wasn't.

I let them help me to my feet. I wanted to walk, but somehow I ended up being carried out. I leant on the chest carrying me and closed my eyes, shutting it all out, retreating deep inside.


	3. Chapter 3 Hovering

**_Hovering_**

**_***_**

As soon as they would let me out of the Healing Centre, Melts Blue Ice drove me to the morgue.

"You're sure?" he asked.

I nodded. I had to know if Alex was alive or dead.

We walked into to see the clerk.

"I want to see the latest human bodies," I said briskly, trying to stay numb, "I will be able to identify them."

"To what purpose?" the clerk asked.

"To send them back to their families. Their human families."

"That's not possible. The humans are attacking us. A state of war has been officially declared. There is no contact with humans."

"Then take them back to where you found them. There is no reason to keep them here."

"There is no reason to risk Souls on such a suicide mission."

"The humans will not be there anymore!" I looked away and made myself be calm. "Look, please, just let me identify them. One day their families might want to know what happened to them. It'll be much easier to ID them now than in 5 years time."

He looked from me to Melts Blue Ice and back. Finally he led me into the morgue. The cool air and the bland stainless steel cabinets couldn't hide the sense of decay.

"They've already been post-mortemed," he said, "They're just waiting for space in the queue for the crematorium." I froze and Melts Blue Ice bumped into me.

"They were post-mortemed? Why?"

He shrugged.

"Research. Wild humans are rare."

I pushed away that thought, and another popped up. There was a queue for the crematorium? What if Alex was already in the queue? What if- I shut down that train of thought too. Just deal with this first. One thing at a time.

I took a few deep breaths and made myself follow them. He pulled out the first drawer. Ford slid out, hard as rock. I could see him leaping onto Henry from behind, grinning and holding on frantically while Henry twisted crazily this way and that, trying to throw him off.

"Name?" the clerk said, waiting with pen poised above a chit.

"Ford Sammi," I said finally. He slid the drawer shut and opened the next. Sarah was lying there, large stitches holding her chest together, tipped in frost. Sarah had been playing with her niece last time I saw her, lying in the grass, looking for beetles.

The clerk waited, pen hovering impatiently.

"Sarah Gammerson," I said, turning to Melts Blue Ice, my breath catching in my throat, "She had a daughter-".

"No children here," the clerk said, sliding the drawer shut and moving on to the next one.

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Melts Blue whispered. I nodded, biting my lip.

The next drawer was open and waiting for me. I advanced on it slowly. I could see dark hair sticking up. Dark like Alex's hair. I forced my feet to keep going. I stared at the unfamiliar face a long time.

"That's Karl. I don't know his last name," I whispered. The drawer clicked shut and I ran for the rubbish bin, retching.

"That happens a lot," the clerk was saying to Melts Blue Ice.

"If you're having second thoughts-" he called.

"No," I said, panting, holding tight to the sides of the bin, "I want to finish."

There were six in all. None of them Alex. A soon as the final drawer slid shut I left Melts Blue Ice to say our goodbyes and went to sit in the car. I stared at nothing and let the tears fall. I heard the car door open and pulled on my seat belt automatically.

"I'll make sure they get home, Flame," Melts Blue Ice said softly.

"Thank you," I whispered finally as he returned me to the Healing Centre.

***

The Healing Centre had retained custody of me because I didn't respond appropriately to their tests. I didn't answer their questions properly, I didn't show the right range of emotions, I didn't integrate with the other patients. I tried to make them a cup of tea once and froze half way, hit by a memory of sharing hot chocolate by a snowy road. They didn't appreciate me freezing for no apparent reason. They thought I was traumatized by the way the humans had treated me. It was partly true. Alex was human. Most of the time. Except when he was hog-tying me and abandoning me to go kill Souls.

This from the man that had volunteered his own body to host 2 souls. Who had risked his life for mine more times than I could remember. That loved my son like his own. That I thought I knew. That I thought loved me. And that I couldn't help but still be desperately in love with. I hid his jacket in my bed and breathed him in until even his scent was gone.

My thoughts wandered wildly. One minute I would be furious with him for abandoning me, for fighting. The next, I'd give anything to be back with him, feel his hand in mine. I had the attention span of a butterfly, constantly flitting from thought to thought. Melts Blue Ice called it my 11 second memory, and became adept at keeping up with my mental leaps.

I was allowed to watch movies. They didn't think it was good for me to just stare at the wall. So I stared at a screen. It made them feel better anyway. My attention span didn't allow me to absorb much of the plot. Their collection was far ranging, including even the earliest movies. I made sure to choose at least as many cheery ones as other ones, in case they kept track. There was an old Russian one called 'Alexander Nevsky', and I knew I had to see it. A movie about an ancient Russian Alex was as near as I was going to get to mine.

It was a film glorifying fighting even when there was no hope of survival. More and more like my Alex. The stiff, jerky, movie Alex said "It is better to die on one's land than to leave it," and brought back a conversation from long ago.

"We have to fight for what we believe in," Alex was saying.

"You have to strive for what you believe in," I had said, "You don't necessarily have to fight. You have to pick your fights." I had thought his silence meant I had convinced him. It seemed I had been wrong. Part of me wished I had kept going, convinced him that fighting was not the way. The other part couldn't believe I had wasted precious time with him arguing.

Now it seemed that fighting was more important to him than peace, than… me. I guess it never came up when we fought for the same goal. But now we were on different sides. And suddenly I'd found out where I stood with him. I had thought he respected my beliefs, even shared them. But now I went over everything I knew about him and picked out different angles. He could kill, for instance. He killed Foreks. He had aimed a gun at Falling Smoke. I'm sure he would have killed anyone at the desert camp if they had attacked again. He had been willing to kill me the first time we met. I tried to convince myself he was only going to injure me, but I didn't believe it.

Could all of that really be attributed to self defense? Maybe I was safer here. But the thought made my heart argue furiously.

***

The other activity I could make an effort for was swimming. I'd sink into the cool water, blissfully surrounding myself with liquid emptiness. Somehow the tiny waves got into my head and quietened my thoughts, til I felt a seamless part of the cool swaying nothingness.

Bobbing and rocking with only my face and the tips of my fingers above the water, my ears listened to the heavy silence and occasional deep vibration of bubbles rubbing their skins against each other in the race for the surface. I had started out life with the Sea Weeds, feeling trapped at the time, longing to be free. It had taken 3 lifetimes of living in a gaseous atmosphere to appreciate the freedom the underwater world could give.

I floated, waving my arms back and forth with no sensation but the water trembling through my open fingers. Out of the pool, I dreamed of feeling the loss of the weight that dragged at me above the water. Here, I could finally be weightless, momentarily free of the heavy loss that engulfed me elsewhere in the Healing Centre. I wondered where it went. Whether it dissolved and diluted into nothingness, or whether it joined the larger hole of loss that the water contained, and I only couldn't feel it because I couldn't feel its edges anymore.

As I toweled my hair, I watched the yoga class in the front room opposite the pool. I thought vaguely how strange it was that people should put themselves into such silly positions with such seriousness.

"Have you tried it?" another patient asked me once. I shook my head, not up to finding the words to communicate socially with people that day.

"It's a lot like swimming," she went on, as internally I panicked that I would be trapped into having to speak to her, "Calming, but energizing somehow too." I smiled at her and turned away. My mind had already flitted to something else anyway. I had been encouraged to try yoga when I had been pregnant with Bhask. But I had been already fully occupied with grief for Icefire and wonder at my new body, constantly changing.

I wondered briefly if it was worse to grieve for a dead mate or one you didn't know was dead. But I couldn't concentrate on it and flitted to another thought.

***

Melts Blue Ice or Diane would bring me news of the world outside the Healing Centre. Attacks on Souls were increasing. The Souls had begun to retaliate, building walls around the cities, issuing travel passes only to those who had business coming in or out, making cars harder to hot-wire.

I knew all these changes would be making it near impossible for the humans to get supplies. I hated to think of the conditions in the camps now. I could understand why they were hijacking the supermarket trucks. In retaliation the Souls painted all of the trucks black, so there was no way to guess what was inside them. I felt like the humans were getting further and further away.

"I want to ask for a pass out," I told Melts Blue Ice one day as he sat down in the visitor's chair.

"You are free to come and go from the Healing Centre. You don't need a pass out for that," he said, but he was evading what I meant.

"I mean to go outside the city," I said clearly, "I want to find Alex. And Bhask." Melts Blue Ice rested his lips on his hands for a moment, nodding.

"I would seriously advise against that," he said eventually. I frowned.

"Look at it from their perspective. A Soul that has spent an awful long time with humans. That there are rumours has family amongst the humans. Now you've left them, and come in here; that's good. But leave the city and they'll assume you've crossed over to the other side. They won't trust you. They'll think you've chosen the enemy."

"I'm not choosing sides, I'm choosing to be with the people I love."

"They are not going to see it like that. They will not see why you would want anything outside the city walls."

"You're saying I'm effectively a prisoner here."

"Effectively, yes. But a city is a big place to be a prisoner in." Funny how tiny it felt to me.

"But I'm not advising against it to keep the Souls onside. Think of it from the human's perspective. The Souls are the enemy to them. They are going to have a really hard time coming to terms with living with one. Worse than before. And I don't think your family will stand for that, do you? What sort of position does that put them in? With their own people? Best case scenario, no one will trust them. Worst case, people are going to try and kill you, and they will have to get in the way. Do you really want to put them in that kind of position? In wartime? It's impossible."

After a long moment, I nodded.

Everything was impossible.


	4. Chapter 4 Sinking

**Sinking**

*******

I dug through the dirt, steadily at first, then frantically. I knew it was here; I had been there the night that Henry buried it. The radio should be right here. This night was eerily similar; still, dark, deserted. The main difference was the large concrete wall stretching into the distance not twenty metres away.

Finally I sat back on my heels, drained. It wasn't here. They must have snuck in and removed it before the wall was fully up. I was stuck here with no way of contacting anyone, even finding out what was going on in the human world. It was a profoundly isolating notion. I felt myself sinking into an oceanic sensation of isolation. I returned to my bed at the Healing centre. I lay down and stared at the wall for a while, then closed my eyes and stared at it some more.

I knew Melts Blue Ice and Diane were worried. Diane stopped bringing Cara, unable to watch me ignore her anymore. Even Shep came to visit.

"It's good to see you in a city for once," he said, "We've all been worried about you."

I looked at him in mild surprise.

"Of course we're worried about you. Ordinarily Seeking work is dangerous, but you've been living with humans for years. That has to take its toll. Then there was that terrible fire…"

_Which one?_ I thought.

"And then Alex took you away, straight away. You've had no rest, no _proper _rest. I know he means well. Means the best for you. He thinks he can protect you, but no matter how strong he is, it's still wild lands out there. You should have a good rest here. It will do you good."

Was this really the Shep I had spent a week with in the desert? It was a mark of how low I was that day that I almost believed him.

***

"There is a group of people meeting to discuss the human problem," Melts Blue Ice said one day. I instantly thought of Falling Smoke. He would have been happy as a pig in mud in such a group. "I want you to come. I think you could be helpful to them. I think we need all the help we can get to stop this situation escalating further."

"Will you come?" he pressed.

I nodded.

The group met every week, discussing the latest conflicts. Seven Souls, including Melts Blue Ice, who it turns out was a regular, and me made eight. They began to call themselves the council.

"There are rumours they have a leader now. That's why they are so organised, coordinated. Apparently they don't fight each other anymore. Just us."

"Who is this leader?"

"Someone called Hawkmoth. They call him the 'Leader of the Free World'. Flame, do you know who this is?"

"No," I said, frowning, "I've never heard of that name."

"They didn't come to the congress?"

I shook my head, puzzled. A great leader would surely have come to the congress. Unless they'd sent someone on their behalf? But then Flynt hadn't come. Not all the leaders had come.

"Is there are a thing called a hawkmoth?" Melts Blue Ice asked.

"Would it be a hawk or a moth?"

"No, look: here, it's a moth."

"Oh. A moth?"

"They're really quite plain aren't they?"

I went over to look at the screen.

** _Sphingidae_**_ is a family of moths, commonly known as hawk moths, sphinx moths and hornworms, that includes about 1,200 species. It is best represented in the tropics but there are species in every region. They are moderate to large in size and are distinguished among moths for their rapid, sustained flying ability._

_Sphingids have been much studied for their flying ability, especially their ability to move rapidly from side to side while hovering, called 'swing-hovering.' It is thought that this evolved to deal with ambush predators that lie in wait in flowers [_thanks wiki_]_

We looked at each other, unsure if we were any further advanced.


	5. Chapter 5 Landing

**Landing**

*******

Melts Blue Ice came to visit me one day outside his regular visiting times. He seemed very agitated.

"I need to you to come with me. Do you think you can do that?" His agitation managed to pierce my lethargy and I stood up.

"Where are we going?" I asked, following him down the corridor, trailing my fingers along the familiar walls.

"I'll tell you on the way."

As he drove, he told me that a van had driven into the no-go area. It had been driven by a Soul, but also contained 15 humans, all incapacitated.

"She says she was held captive by a human group, and then another group came and have set her free."

"What about the others?"

"The humans? She won't say til she's seen you." To my surprise he had stopped the car on the other side of the Healing Centre complex. The Soul was inside, being healed. We waited in the visitor's area til she could see us. At last a thin girl walked slowly towards us.

Her name was Swaying Petals. I had never seen her before. She didn't appear to recognize me either. She was in appalling condition. Apparently she had been kept by the humans for months, and terribly abused. But now she was being released back to us.

"Swaying Petals, this is Hungry Flame," Melts Blue Ice said gently. She looked at me with barely any emotion.

"You don't recognize her?"

"I don't know her," she replied, "One of the humans said to find someone called Hungry Flame, and tell her that the humans had voted on the 15, that they were too violent. He said you'd know what to do."

I frowned. This made no sense.

"Hungry Flame?" Melts Blue Ice prompted. Why would I know what to do? I had no idea what to do with violent people. _They_ were the ones that had voted on them…

"It was an idea of Falling Smoke's," I said, remembering, "that we should try implanting the violent ones, the ones that needed improving."

"Are you saying they _want_ us to implant these ones?"

"I don't know." It certainly seemed that way. But why would they want these people implanted? To prove it couldn't be done? Were they supposed to be some sort of Trojan horse, turning any Soul put inside them? It just didn't make sense. But maybe they were just disposing of unwanted personnel. Maybe it was a show of force to others, not to us.

We let her get some rest and she agreed to talk before the council. A few nights later, she retold her story. The Souls were deeply disturbed at her treatment, and puzzled at her release with the 15 humans.

"Swaying Petals, what do you think of them? The humans? You have the most reason to hate them," Endless Burn asked.

But she shook her head, uncertain.

"The ones who took me were… evil." It took her a moment to be able to speak again. "But humans saved me from them. They stopped them. They healed me and they gathered them up and threw them out."

The Souls looked at each other.

"That's not the work of mindless fanatics. They could have killed me. They could have kept me. But they brought me here. I cannot say that all humans are bad."

"Can you tell us anything else that might help?"

She shrugged, wrapping her arms around herself.

"No," she said, but I watched her closely. That wasn't the whole truth. Melts Blue Ice took us both back to the Healing Centre, dropping us off at our respective entrances. Short term care and Long term care. One for people who were getting better, and one for people who weren't.

***

The next day I made my way through to the short term care area and ate lunch in their meals area. I spotted her eating and caught up with her afterwards.

"Thank you for speaking to the council last night," I said, "that must have been hard. I can't even imagine what you've been through."

"You're staying here too?" she said, a little surprised, walking with me.

I nodded, suddenly vaguely ashamed, but unsure why.

"In… in the long term care area. I… lost contact with some family as a result of the war with the humans."

"You lived with the humans, didn't you?"

I nodded, thinking of how to put it so she wouldn't think I was a freak.

"The people I lived with weren't like that. They were… they treated me like one of them." _Mostly_, I amended mentally.

"It was a different time, I guess," she said softly. I frowned. Would that make such a difference? People wouldn't change so much just because war was declared, surely?

"You didn't happen to run into some of the human leaders did you? This Hawkmoth, for instance?"

She stopped, staring at the ground intently.

"It was a condition of my release that I didn't talk about some things. Hawkmoth is one of them. Please don't ask me to."

"Sorry. I thought it was worth a try."

She walked on, silent. I suddenly felt too tired to try any further. But then she spoke up.

"I… I did see your son though."

"_Bhaskar_?"

"Yes. He has a new name now though."

I hovered, trembling: I didn't know what I could ask with having her clam up.

"He misses you."

"I miss him too! Oh wow. He's ok? Can I ask that?"

"Yes. Yes, he's ok."

"Thank you! Wow. He's really ok? Thank you so much."

She smiled back at me and I let her go, frozen in my tracks with wonder.

***

I became a regular attendee of the council meetings. Slowly I learnt the names of the others: Endless Burn, Seven Legs, Jordan, Joyous Pale Water, Frank, and Shallow Roots.

"It's horrific! They didn't even give the drivers a chance to escape!" Joyous Pale Water was saying.

They were discussing a recent case where a gang of humans had held up a truck convoy, blowing up the first and last ones to block the others in. Three Souls had died, six trucks lost, four of which were now in human hands. It was all anyone had talked about for days: the footage from the news helicopter had been stunning.

"Flame, what do you think?" Mets Blue Ice asked. I wasn't sure they were going to like my opinion, and had been quiet throughout the discussion.

"They want to scare you," I offered, "They don't necessarily want to kill, I don't think. They could have done much worse. They could have killed all the drivers, but they only killed three: two in the initial explosion and one who tried to resist. I think they just want to make a dramatic point, so they don't have to kill in future. If people are afraid of them, they'll do what they ask without violence being necessary." I shrugged "It worked, didn't it?" The other drivers hadn't dared to resist.

"How can you say they _only_ killed three?" Jordan asked, shocked. I frowned and folded my arms tight.

"Flame can see it from their perspective," Melts Blue Ice intervened, "That's why she's so useful. It doesn't mean you agree with them, does it?"

I shook my head.

"That's why I'm here," I whispered.


	6. Chapter 6 Communicating

**Communicating**

*******

They decided I could move out of the Healing Centre. Melts Blue Ice asked me to stay with him and Diane. He didn't like the idea of me living on my own. Diane had prepared a room for me, and on the bed was a pile of old worn boxes and bags.

"What's this?" I asked.

"The stuff you left with us last time, I thought it'd be a bit more welcoming to have some of your own stuff here. Throw out what you don't want anymore."

How could I have forgotten this stuff? I _was_ going insane. The red back pack!!

I listened to the radio after Diane and Melts Blue Ice went to sleep each night. The humans seemed to have improved the system, and were using more frequencies. I could only get the one frequency; it was now just used for personal communications. I listened night after night for a voice I would recognize. Anyone at all. Sometimes I thought I recognised Shana, or Stan, but I could never be sure. I wasn't used to listening to people's voices through the system, and everyone constantly used codes names. But I finally felt connected to the humans again. Even if wasn't major events, even if it wasn't my humans, it was the type of petty dramas they were living through too.

"How's your new boyfriend?" a voice asked.

"Progressing more slowly than expected. They say Russians are good at two things: great suffering and great rulers. He's definitely got a handle on both."

"Hush!" but the other voice only laughed.

"I hope I'll have a handle on him soon."

"You're shameless."

"What? The kids like him, I like him… I don't see the problem."

"I've got to go. Next week?"

"See you then."

Then one night, I listened enraptured as I heard Bhaskar. He was sending a message to a friend at Dorsey's camp. His voice brought him back to me as if he was right there in the room with me.

"I hope you can help me learn that song you were teaching me last time, I've completely forgotten it and it's driving me nuts. Anyway…"

I picked up the transmitter shakily, waiting for decades until he finished speaking. That boy could _talk_!

"This is a message for Boy," I said finally, heart in my throat. Surely he would recognize me? His voice came back after the shortest of pauses.

"Hello?!"

I was crying again before I knew it, and trying desperately not to. Since when was I such a weeper?

"Hi, Boy," I managed to say.

"Hi," he said, "How are you?"

"I'm ok. I miss you."

"Me too. I miss you so much."

I held my hand over my mouth so he wouldn't hear me crying.

"I can't come visit," I said eventually.

"Oh."

"I wish I could. It's so good to hear your voice."

"Yeah." There was a faint noise in the background "Look, I can't talk now. We'll talk later. Ok?"

"Ok."

And he was gone.

***

The next night I listened for a suitable pause in the voice traffic.

"This is a message for Boy?" I jumped in nervously. This time it seemed the pause was endless.

"Hello?" Bhask finally answered.

"Hi!" I gasped.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Where are you?"

"Um… at Cara's." There was a long pause.

"I've got to go."

"No!" I cried, then held my breath, listening. Had I woken Melts Blue Ice?

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and there was nothing. I heard movement from the other bedroom and shoved the radio off and under the bed.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Are you ok?" Diane whispered.

"Sorry Diane, did I wake you? Just a bad dream."

She came and sat on the bed and rubbed my back.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Uh, not really." God, no. Fabricating a bad dream was the last thing I wanted to do.

"I think I'll just get back to sleep," I said.

"You're sure?"

"I'm fine, really. Thanks. Go back to bed. Cara will have you up in a minute."

She smiled sadly at me and left.

***

Bhask's messages were perplexing. He sounded as if he wasn't supposed to be using the radio. _I_ wasn't supposed to be using it, as a Soul. But surely he wouldn't get in trouble for that? It's not like we were saying anything dangerous; we both were very careful with what we said. Who would get him in trouble for that? Surely Hawkmoth wouldn't be listening to talk-back radio at this time of night? Or maybe it was how he his finger on the pulse of his people. Just like me.

I decided not to try using it again unless Bhask called me first. But though I listened every night for 3 days, I heard nothing else.


	7. Chapter 7 Contacting

_**Contacting**_

***

Melts Blue Ice poked his head in the doorway.

"You'd better get out here," he said sternly. I got up and he grabbed my hand and ran out to his car.

"What's going on?" I asked as he drove towards the main entrance in the wall surrounding the city.

"You are not going to believe this," he said, then glanced at me, frowning, "or maybe you will. _I _don't believe it."

We pulled up next to the gate and ran up the stairs to the top of the wall.

Standing alone in the middle of the no go zone was Bhask.

"Bhaskar!" I yelled instantly. He looked up and found me.

"Mum!" he shouted back, waving madly. I heard at least four rifles drop their safety.

"Put those away," I said, grinning, running back down the stairs.

"Flame, no!" Melts Blue Ice snatched at thin air where I used to be.

"Open the gates!" I called, "He's my son!"

I squeezed through the gates as soon as they were open a crack and ran down the no go zone road, oblivious to the rifles following my every move. And then Bhask was in my arms, a solid, real boy. Well, maybe not so much a boy anymore. To me he was always my baby. But to others he must look pretty well near full grown.

I took him back to Melts Blue Ice's house.

"I can't believe you're here."

"Tell me everything! How's Alex? How's Dorsey? Have you got enough food? Where are you living?" But he stiffened in my arms. I let him go and looked at him questioningly.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not supposed to say some things. Alex said-"

"It's ok, Bhask. Don't tell me anything you're not supposed to," I hugged him again. "He's ok though?" I couldn't help but ask. He nodded.

"He said I couldn't come. He heard you on the radio-"

"He was there? You should have put him on!"

"He, he didn't want to talk. He couldn't. He forbade me to come."

Alex didn't want to talk to me? I didn't understand. My Alex? But Bhask kept talking.

"But I came anyway. I got a lift with a truckie. A Soul! I'd been walking for days, and he'd passed me twice. But he couldn't take me into the city. He didn't have a pass for this one." I wished I knew who the Soul was, I could've kissed him.

"So you just walked up to the gates?"

"I told them I wanted to see you. They didn't know whether to believe me, but I wasn't doing anything hostile, so they couldn't shoot me. They were stuck."

"You were both stuck."

"Yeah." We grinned at each other.

"You can't stay here," Melts Blue Ice said.

"I know," Bhask replied, "I just wanted to see Mum. Make sure she was ok. She sounded so sad." I ached to make him smile again.

"But I have to get back." He gave me a sheepish grin. "Alex is going to be furious with me."

"Tell him I said he's not allowed to explode," I said, just managing to smile back.

"We need to get you out of here before the Seekers come." Melts Blue Ice said, looking out the window anxiously. Bhask nodded sadly.

"Bye Mum," he said, giving me a hug and kiss. Still my little boy after all.

"Bye," I whispered, determined that he wouldn't see me cry.

***

That night I had a particularly bad dream. I often dreamt about the others, sometimes nostalgically, sometimes terrifyingly. This one was definitely classed with the latter.

Alex, Dorsey and Bhask were walking across the desert, in the direction of Kelly's camp. I was screaming at them not to go, and Dorsey and Bhask were trying to get back to me. But Alex wouldn't let them. He grabbed one under each arm and dragged them away, inanimate to their struggles, his back deaf to my pleading. The expressions on their faces as they reached for me were seared on my mind for days.


	8. Chapter 8 Talking

**Talking**

***

Diane and I had been glued to the television set for hours.

Some humans had come to the no go zone, put down some envelopes, and left. A huge prolonged Seeker operation had assessed them for explosives and booby traps, then finally opened them, and brought them inside the gates. Every second was captured by news helicopters and cameras on the city walls, and broadcast live, the crucial moments replayed endlessly. The news commentators were rife with gossip about what they might contain. We'd decided paper, because of how the Seekers had picked them up. We'd noticed the way it flopped vertically but not horizontally.

"Maybe its photos; Soul hostages they want to bargain for something," I said.

"But they released that last Soul hostage without any demands, remember?" Diane countered.

"Maybe they're learning from their mistakes," I mused.

Melts Blue Ice came home early bursting with the news.

"A ceasefire!" he beamed, and I handed Cara back to Diane. "You are hearing it here first!"

"They're stopping their attacks on Souls?" Diane asked.

"With conditions: they want to talk."

"Like the congress?"

"More official than that. We'd sit down and nut out some agreements."

"For how long?"

"As long as it takes. You will come? It will be all the council people."

"Yes. Yes, of course!" Now we were getting somewhere. If the ceasefire held, I could get out of the city, find Alex…

"Who knows," Diane said, "you might even be able to meet this mysterious Hawkmoth!"

"Oh he'll definitely be there. He's the one who wrote the document."

"He hand-wrote it?" Diane squealed, intrigued.

"I suppose they ran out of toner," Melts Blue Ice said, rolling his eyes behind her back. I grinned.

***

The talks were being held in a building near the gates. The council had assembled inside and waited excitedly for the humans to arrive. I wished we had a television to see how close they were; the news helicopters would be following their every move. Finally we heard the Seeker vehicles pull up and the humans filed in one by one. I examined each face in turn. I knew none of them. Which was probably a good thing, I realised; it could have been a little uncomfortable facing them from the other side of the negotiation table. Finally the last human entered the building, and the others waited for him deferentially. It must be Hawkmoth. I felt the blood drain from my face.

Hawkmoth.

It was Alex.

I stared at him, frozen.

And he stared straight through me, like we'd never met. Like I didn't exist.

The humans filed through the meeting room and sat all along one side of the table. He interacted with them all normally.

I couldn't take my eyes off him.

His hair was too short, but he looked good. Confident, strong, sharp, watchful. Except that he didn't seem to see me.

Melts Blue Ice had to pull me into the room.

"…Hawkmoth, Lena, Grierson, and Jared," Seven Legs was announcing as I sat down in the last remaining chair and forced myself to stare at the table. Mostly. I snuck glances at him every now and again, but he had turned so he was facing a little away from me. And he still didn't look at me. It was like I didn't exist. Like the table ended before my seat. Like the world ended. Like his world was entirely separate from mine. My heart felt like someone had grabbed it and was twisting it in two. Was this _worse_ than not knowing where he was?

The first topics of the talks went completely over my head. My world was on hold until he acknowledged me. But he didn't. And the morning dragged on and still he didn't. It did not look particularly unusual, because he didn't interact much at all. He sat back and listened, letting others talk, quietly sizing up the Souls on the other side of the table, watching the arguments go back and forth.

It started to dawn on me that this was Hawkmoth, the man who had organized the humans into a coordinated fighting machine. Who had planned all those attacks. Was responsible for deaths. _Alex? My Alex?_ I thought, _could he really do that_? But the man sitting on the other side of the table was cool, calculated, quick. He would do what was necessary.

"We are not arguing that conditions in the human camps are not deplorable," he spoke up finally, "We know they are. We live there. Our children live there. But we cannot agree with forcible removable to undisclosed locations."

"It wouldn't be forcible if you would agree," Seven Legs said reasonably.

"And your living conditions wouldn't be so deplorable if you would focus your energies on looking after your families rather than fighting us," Endless Burn noted.

The humans reacted angrily.

"Does your love of fighting really supersede your love for your families?" Endless Burn continued.

"Do not question my love for my children! I fight for them! For their future!" Lena shouted.

"Then how can you turn your back on them, let them sicken and die, while you fight us? Where is their future there?"

"Please, if we could all settle down," Melts Blue Ice suggested.

"We no longer have access to our medical facilities," Alex said, keeping his voice calm, "Many of our doctors were specifically targeted by you. Since the walls went up, we no longer have access to _any_ supplies. Unless we fight for them."

"Why don't you grow your own supplies? Why are you so reliant on ours?"

"They used to grow their own supplies, until we implanted their farmers and took control of that land. Now they can live safely only in the most infertile areas, that we have no use for. It could be argued they are taking _back_ their supplies," I said, backing him up. But he froze. I could feel the hostility radiating off him, even though he didn't look my way. The others didn't seem to notice. But I realised he didn't want my support. It would look bad to agree with a Soul. Too bad we still agreed on so much. Too bad I was a Soul. I would have to learn to further my views less obviously.


	9. Chapter 9 Progressing

**Progressing**

***

The first few days of talks went on in the same way, arguing back and forth, trying to find some common ground. Each night Melts Blue Ice took me back to his house, and we discussed the day with Diane over dinner. And after dinner. And sometimes into the night.

"So do you think you're making progress?" Diane asked.

"I think we're going in circles," I replied. I lay on the floor, walking my fingers up Cara's round legs. She was sitting up, gazing at my fingers like they were something entirely new.

"That they are even talking to us is progress. That they have representative leaders who are prepared to stand as one," Melts Blue Ice said.

"I don't know how representative they are," I said, clapping Cara's hands together gently, "I bet that that Grierson just bullied his way to power."

"Alex wouldn't stand for that," Diane said.

"No, but Hawkmoth might," I said grimly. He might not have the choice. Maybe they were all just the seven most powerful warlords, and he had no choice but to work with them. Or maybe he was the worst of them all. I hated not knowing.

***

I took to going for a swim each afternoon after the talks. It helped settle my nerves after pretending not to watch Alex ignore me all day.

One day my nerves were especially bad. I alternated between floating and doing laps. Laps were exhausting, but the day's events seeped back into my memory after floating for too long.

It had started out the same as any other day. We filed into the meeting room. Alex sat in his spot at the middle of the table and I sat at mine as far away as possible. He studiously ignored me and I pretended to ignore him. An ordinary day at the office. We argued calmly, indirectly, without ever actually addressing each other. I made my statements leading so that he could pick up on them and make useful points. Which he sometimes did and sometimes took not the slightest notice of me, paying more attention to the surface of the table. It was fascinating, that table. I knew, because I stared at it an awful lot too. We lunched separated by the length of the lunch room and the distance between our home worlds. Souls at one end, humans at the other. Light years apart. At least, we pretended to lunch. My stomach refused to unball when Alex was around, and my throat was so dry it was too hard to swallow and force food down.

During the afternoon session we were discussing moving people, again. The Souls had given up on the living conditions angle for the moment and were getting their teeth into safe havens.

"We need all our people together. How can I expect my people to fight if they are separated from their families?" Alex was saying, calm and collected as usual. Seven Legs gave Endless Burn a look that said _exactly_.

"Not everyone wants to be a part of the violence. There should be some way for them to be safe," I said.

The others waited a moment for him to respond to me. He gave very little indication he'd even heard me. Except that I could see his jaw was tensed like it was about to snap. Finally Jared spoke instead.

"Our families support us. There are those who do not fully support us, but we cannot speak for them," Jared said coolly, as if they were lesser people.

"Yes, we can," Alex said loudly, angrily, burning a hole in the desk with his eyes. "We fight for them too. So we can talk on their behalf." He glanced up, glowering at Jared momentarily. I was shocked at his rare display of anger. And reminded again than behind Alex the hard talking diplomat was Alex the hardened fighter, the ruthless leader. Or rather Hawkmoth.

"They are safe, because we can protect them," he went on, "the human alliance protects people from other humans and from Soul attacks." The Souls frowned at each other. They did not like the use of the word 'attack' associated with Souls.

"But they aren't safe," I persisted, "not without a binding agreement between all parties. You can't be everywhere at once. You can't know they will be safe, you can't just assume. And you can't rely on the vague threat of retribution for wrongdoing after the fact. An agreed neutral area would give them real safety."

Lena was shaking her head.

"We could never trust the Souls to maintain the integrity of such an area. A whole camp of certified non-combatants? They'd be sitting ducks. It would have to have physical protection. Proper protection: humans." I glared back at her mean eyes. I knew what she was implying. Her eyes were narrowed in hatred of the thought of Souls living next to, protecting humans. Not just Souls, Seekers. I had seen that look too many times before. The only good Seeker was a dead Seeker.

"Well if we can't rely on being able to trust each other, this whole concept is pretty stuffed, isn't it?" I shouted angrily.

"Perhaps we had better take a break," Melts Blue Ice said quickly, smiling at the group then motioning me with his eyes to follow him. I grabbed a muffin on the way out.

"I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," I said wearily as soon as we were out of earshot, picking angrily at the muffin.

"We are supposed to be the non-aggressive ones, remember?" he said.

"You know he actually agrees with me? That's the stupid part. We've talked about this, ages ago. I'm basically quoting him word for word," I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I knew I should be letting him present these ideas. I knew I made it harder if they seemed like they came from the Souls. I knew this, but I couldn't wait forever for them to bring them up.

"He has to represent his people. If they don't agree with you, how can he?" _Because he knows I'm right_, I thought resignedly. Of course, he couldn't even look at me. Maybe my opinion was less than helpful. Maybe he really didn't want it at all. Maybe he really didn't want me.

"Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off? I'll pick you up at the pool like usual."

I looked at him, hurt. He couldn't trust me to hold my temper. Well, maybe he was right. Maybe they would do better without me for a while. Alex would certainly appreciate it.

I floated mindlessly in the pool, trying to settle. But I was just agitated today. My submerged ears caught at the muffled noises of the other pool users, diving, swimming, playing. It took me back to swimming in the river pools at Dorsey's camp, and the memory of the cool water under the hot summer sun finally started to relax me.

Alex always got chilled before I did, and I watched, half submerged like a lake monster as he hauled himself out of the water and eased down onto the riverbank on his belly to reheat beneath the baking rays. I edged towards him, admiring the water beading in the muscles of his back and shoulders, and suddenly the river held no interest for me anymore. I slid out next to him and kissed each droplet, sucking it dry, moving methodically over his back. He shifted to stare at me one eyed, almost suspiciously.

"Oh, did I wake you up? So sorry," I murmured, gently shoving his head, "Go back to sleep." But he ducked his head out from my touch.

"I don't think sleep is going to be an option here," he said, his voice smiling.

Then I floated under Melts Blue Ice, standing on the edge of the pool and gesturing soundlessly at me, and I came back to the present abruptly, the warmth of the memory quickly replaced by the bleak chlorine chill of the pool.

If Melts Blue Ice had come in to get me, it must be later than I thought. I pulled myself out of the water and walked on rubbery legs to my towel. The old feeling of disquiet was back with a vengeance.

"Have you been in there this whole time?" he was saying as I soaked the water out of my ears.

"Yeah. Oh-" I tensed as my gut clenched against a wave of nausea. He watched me, concerned.

"I'm alright," I said, rubbing the excess water out of my swimming costume. Then I ran for the nearest bin and retched.

"Flame, I think you should see a Healer."

"I'm fine now," I panted. And I did feel better. "I must have overdone the swimming today."

But he drove me to the Healing Centre anyway, and the Healers went away to examine their tests. My wet hair dripped sporadically down my back as we waited, marking time with random drops of cold. Finally a Healer came back looking grave. I took Melts Blue Ice's hand. I didn't feel sick. How could he look so grave when I didn't even feel sick?

"Hungry Flame, we have the results of the tests," he started. I bit my lip. _We figured that much_, I thought impatiently.

"You're pregnant," he said flatly.

"Shit," I whispered. The others looked at me, shocked.

"Sorry ,I…"

_Shit_, I thought. Pregnant? I couldn't have a kid now. But I was. Alex's kid. _Wow_.

"It's a girl," the healer went on, watching me doubtfully. _A girl_. And then I could feel her tiny weight in my belly, or cradled in my arms, see her running around with Bhask, see her in Alex's arms… I frowned, worried: _Alex_… But the other images overtook. A girl sitting in the bath, sleeping on the couch, showing me her pictures…

"A girl," I said, and smiled slowly.

"We are concerned about the pregnancy. You are not in optimum condition. You are still not sleeping properly… I would advise you to stop working."

I looked at Melts Blue Ice. He looked back at me worriedly. He wanted me at the talks badly. At least, he had before today. But I knew he wouldn't tell me I was needed at the talks, not if my health might suffer. Not if it would put a baby at risk. This is what his silence told me. I was needed.

"What if I came into the hospital every night," I ventured, "you can pump me full of nutrition, I won't be able to vomit it up, and you'll fatten me up. And I'll let you sedate me. So I'll sleep the mandatory 6 hours."

"8 hours," the healer said.

"Fine. Would that work?"

"We could try. But if at any stage you start deteriorating, you must stop work and focus entirely on your health."

"It's a deal."

***

"Alex is the father isn't he?" Diane asked me over dinner.

I nodded.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I should tell him. I have to tell him." But how? What if he just ignored me and walked away? I had a mental image of a tiny Etty like figure standing forlorn while he walked away, ignoring her.

"I don't want to tell you what to do," Diane said slowly, "But, I don't think you should tell him."

I looked at her in dismay.

"Maybe he's ignoring you for a reason," she went on carefully, "He's their leader now. They have to be able to trust him. For him to be associating with a Soul is going to damage that. Maybe ruin it. For him to be having a baby with one…"

I could see her point. I knew I was a liability for him. The baby was too. Maybe he would even be angry. Maybe he would want me to get rid of it. I shivered at the thought. She was mine now. She was going nowhere.

"You're right," I whispered, "I can't tell him."

She drove me back to the Healing Centre straight after dinner. I settled into the bed obediently, accepting the same old walls like familiar enemies, fated to fight eternally. They hooked me up to the intravenous nutrition machine.

"It's only for a little while," Diane said, stroking my shoulder. I gave her a grim smile.

"I thought I'd finally got out of this place," I muttered. The Healer came up with the sedative.

"You won't even know you're here," he said. Fat chance. I'd know where I wasn't. I wasn't with him. The walls reflected my internal emptiness harshly, where I couldn't escape from it. Only now, maybe it wasn't quite so empty. Then the drug took me away.


	10. Chapter 10 Finishing

**Finishing**

***

My weight improved for the first week. I like think that daily doses of Alex were helping there. Even if the interaction was entirely one sided. It was, I decided, after some deliberation, better than nothing.

The second week it started to plateau. It wasn't up to normal, but it didn't deteriorate. I was getting sick of other people's arbitrary normals anyway.

The talks had finally reached agreement on halting the forced displacements for the moment. Agreed to disagree in other words. At least it let us move forward in other areas.

"Souls must provide free access for humans to the cities. To food, medical attention, schooling, employment. Accommodation should they want it," Alex said uncompromisingly, "and where they want it."

The Souls stared at each other in shock.

"This is provided for Souls, why should it be withheld from humans?" Alex reasoned coolly, "The Souls forced us away from our main food producing areas-"

"We didn't force you, you left!" Endless Burn said. I sighed quietly. Did we really have to go through this again?

"We had to leave against the threat of losing our families, our souls." He stared them down. In the same way, he slowly ground them down on his other conditions.

The souls would retaliate with their own conditions:

"The humans must form a representative government to communicate with the Souls. No action can be taken without discussion from both parties."

It took a whole day to get that sentence agreed to.

"Humans can not be allowed to behave inappropriately. There must be strict controls on human behavior."

That one caused chaos for days.

"That's discrimination!"

"You say you need to be treated differently, and when we do, you throw it back in our faces as discrimination. You can't have it both ways."

"We want the same opportunities, but we don't want to have to leave our humanity behind, have to become Souls, in order to access them. It is not a crime to be human!"

"It will be under this legislation."

"Now that's unfair!"

"Please, can we just focus for the moment on what behavior is acceptable to both?"

Finally we had a collection of statements we could agree to.

"A committee will be assembled to investigate the matter of criminal law," Melts Blue Ice read out, "Until such time as their findings are known, the original human constitution will be upheld. Further, a code of conduct for behavior in public areas will be enforced."

"Enforcement of laws is to be conducted by an elected group within each settlement according to the following schedule: People can only be punished for behavior that violates agreed pre-existing laws as determined by the elected group." The Souls hoped to avoid prosecution for the invasion this way. I thought it was debatable.

"Expectations of said behavior must be reasonable." I knew there was going to be major arguments about what was reasonable behavior for a human, but the Code of Conduct Committee had been handballed that one.

"The violation committed must be established by an approved process, such as a trial. Punishment must occur after the fact. The punishment must be appropriate for the crime. The perpetrator must understand what they are being punished for. The punishment must decrease the behaviour." The Souls were particularly insistent on the last point, fearing useless punishments that only extended suffering.

"Human-only settlements have the option of recourse to Seekers should either the aggrieved or the accused party wish."

Melts Blue Ice continued reading until the document was read through in its entirety, and everyone lined up to sign their name at the bottom. It was done. They had their Treaty.

So, there was no reason for me to see him anymore.

I was torn between lingering, catching every last glimpse of him, and just cutting and running and running.

"You're coming tonight, aren't you?" Diane asked, coming over with Cara in her arms. She had come to witness the historic moment, along with the media crews and others.

"What's tonight?" I frowned, catching at Cara's flailing hands.

"You're hopeless," she said resignedly, "There's going to be a social get together, humans and Souls together, informally."

"Another occasion for him to ignore me," I murmured.

"Or, a chance to be able to speak with him without all of this," she waved her hands round the camera crews, leaders, advisors.

"I don't have anything to wear," I said, chewing my lip. I could feel hope rising and it scared me. Diane led me away.

"You've just got humans sand Souls to agree to an accord, and you think a dress is a problem. That's the most easily fixed problem in the world."

The trick was to find a dress that hid my growing belly. Eventually we found a skirt and top combo that wasn't too dumpy.

We arrived back at the meeting centre after everyone else. Diane went to chat to some friends.

"Go get him," she said, giving me a little push. I wandered through the crowd, holding my breath, trying not to finger my pendant compulsively. Trying to look for him without making it look like I was looking for him.

Finally I saw him talking quietly, relaxed, to Melts Blue Ice, a little way away from the others. _You might not get a better opportunity, _I thought, and walked slowly closer, reminding myself to breathe.

"How did you come up with Hawkmoth?" Melts Blue Ice was saying.

"That was what my Dad called me," Alex replied smiling, not seeing me, "But I grew up with Alexandr, Alexandrushka… "

"A bit of a mouthful for the school yard, I assume?" Melts Blue Ice guessed, "What did the others call you?"

"Ghost," he said, his eyes shining with amusement, but I was unsettled. Melts Blue was too.

"Ghost," he said doubtfully, "a person already dead who haunts you."

"Yeah, that's what they were trying for, but they thought they'd be clever and find the Russian word. I was more half-russian than half-indigenous back then. Anyway, I don't know what site they used, but they came up with Dukh."

"Duke?"

"Yeah, sort of. Maybe they couldn't pronounce Prizrak. See prizrak means ghost. Dukh means, more like soul, spirit. My parents would have been real pleased that I was going about impersonating The Russian Spirit."

How could he not see me? Maybe this was a crazy idea. What over the past weeks had made me think he would ever want to talk to me again?

"I bet your father would not have been terribly pleased though," Melts Blue Ice said. Alex laughed and shook his head.

"Hawkmoth's father is never pleased," Lena said, laughing, joining them seamlessly, winding her arm around Alex's waist. I froze, staring at it like it was something obscene. I suddenly recognized her voice, her laugh.

_They say Russians are good at two things: great suffering and great rulers. He's definitely got a handle on both… I hope I'll have a handle on him soon…_

I turned sharply and made for the bathrooms. Maybe there was another reason he hadn't wanted anything to do with me. Lena and Alex? She was obviously beautiful, powerful… _and a fighter _I thought. But he had never made a move towards her during the talks. Not that that meant anything. He hadn't even looked at me and I was carrying his baby. _My baby_, I thought fiercely.

I ran the cold tap and drenched my face in cold water. I felt sick, like the world was sliding. My reflection was stock still though, staring back at me, pale, gaunt, eyes like stones.

No, I didn't believe it. Lena was not just strong, she was _mean_. He couldn't go for someone so mean. Lena and Hawkmoth, maybe. Not Lena and Alex. _I don't believe it_, I repeated to myself. I splashed some more water on my face, then stood hanging over the bowl, dripping silently, waiting til the dizziness passed, concentrating on emptying my mind, on breathing slowly.

"Hungry Flame?" Diane called from the doorway.

"I'm ok," I glanced at her, then quickly refocused back on the basin, gripping the sides hard as the world slid a metre to the right.

"You really don't look ok," she murmured. I breathed carefully.

"Just a bit dizzy," I whispered, then grunted as a knife like pain cut through my belly.

"Oh Flame!" Diane said, shocked, looking at my skirt. It was being slowly devoured by a sea of blood coming from between my legs. We stared at each other, motionless.


	11. Chapter 11 Holding

**Holding**

*******

I lay as still as I could on her backseat as she drove me to the Healing Centre, just over the speed limit. But inside I was close to shattering into panic. _If I lost this baby_, I kept thinking, _oh my god, if I lost this baby… _My knuckles were bloodless gripping the seatbelt.

The glaring lights of the emergency entrance cut through the darkness. Diane had called ahead and they met us with a gurney.

"It's too early," I heard Diane say, as the Healers rushed me away.

"Her heart rate's way too high," a nurse noted. They all sounded very serious, and I tried to shut them out. They must have sedated me then, because I remembered nothing else until I woke up, still thick with sedative, hours later.

The Healer glanced at me from adjusting my automated medications. The room was otherwise empty, still.

"Ah, you're awake," he said. I wished to God he could have been Falling Smoke. "You had a nasty scare."

"Is she ok?" I whispered. He nodded and I closed my eyes in relief.

"Strict bed rest from now on though," he continued, "I can't stress this strongly enough. You are in no condition to maintain a pregnancy. You _must_ rest. You _must_ be calm. You _must_ stay horizontal. I think we can do the rest if you can do that. There's a good chance we can keep the child going."

_No problem_, I thought. I felt no interest whatsoever in doing anything else. Not that there was much else to do here. I drifted back into sleep.

***

I opened my eyes to find Alex sitting on the floor opposite my bed, jaw propped on his fists, staring at me, brow furrowed deeply. _He was looking at me._ I felt my heart rate leap as I realized this. He was really here and he was actually looking at me. It wasn't just me wishing it. I concentrated desperately on staying calm.

"What's wrong with you, Flame?" he said finally.

Then he didn't know? I stayed mute. I couldn't tell him. But I thrilled to hear his voice talking directly to me. He was actually talking to me. Would it be weird to tell him it was good to see him? I had seen him almost every day for weeks. But it felt like this was the first time I was seeing him as Alex, not Hawkmoth.

"I find out you've been sick for weeks. Spending nights at the hospital," he continued. I felt my stomach dropping. He wasn't giving up on this. I didn't know what to say. He would know if I lied.

"I'm ok," I said, "I'll be fine in a while. I… I just need to rest. They said I'd be fine if I rest." I tried to smile at him, but I was so anxious it barely registered.

"What's going on Flame," he repeated in a low voice.

"I've just been… over tired. Stressed, I guess," I said evasively, but trying to sound definitive. He kept staring at me, frowning.

My heart rate was skyrocketing. It was beyond the level where the nurses would be alerted. Sure enough, I heard footsteps approaching. Alex didn't move.

"Oh, is this the father?" the nurse said warmly, coming in to check my monitors. I froze, horrified. He was very, very still. Maybe he hadn't heard. Maybe he hadn't understood.

"You're pregnant?" he said, very, very quietly. I didn't move, staring back at him. I felt my heart pounding in my ears. Maybe I could deny it. Or maybe he would be happy…

"You're pregnant?" he shouted, standing up, fists clenched. The nurse hit the emergency buzzer instantly.

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave right away. It's very important that she rests," the nurse said in a tight voice. I wished I could disappear, be instantly swallowed up by the earth, but there was no way to escape.

"You're pregnant and you've come into the meetings _everyday_?!" he shouted furiously. The room was suddenly filled with nurses and Alex was gone and I was sobbing helplessly. The cool torpor of a sedative flooded my body.

***

When I could focus again, Diane was sitting in front me, biting her nails.

"Are you ok?" she said immediately. I started to cry. My body was still sluggish from the drugs, so I couldn't find the energy to wipe the tears away.

"Alex was here," I whispered, "he was really, really, really angry."

"I know," Diane said, stroking my head, "I saw him in the lobby."

"You saw him?"

She nodded. "Gave him a bit of a talking to, too. I can't believe him. He's not even supposed to be here." Diane was amazing. Stand up to a furious Alex? She had guts.

"How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

"Wretched," I smiled, "Trapped. I didn't think our first meeting would descend into him screaming at me in the first five seconds. I'd kinda planned it differently."

She smiled sadly and squeezed my hand. I felt the tears drying up. _Finally_, I thought. I wouldn't have thought it possible for one person to cry so much in a few months.

"I wish I could get out of here," I whispered.

"Hang in there," she said softly.

"I should let you rest," she said finally, standing up, "I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

I smiled at her.

"You're stronger than you think, Hungry Flame," she said, smiling back "You take it easy. I'll check up on you later."

***

She hadn't been gone for more than a minute when Alex slipped into the room. He must have been watching, waiting for her to leave. My eyes followed him around the room apprehensively. He glanced at the monitor.

"Calm down, I just want to talk," he said quietly. Oh, _now_ he wants to talk.

"So you're talking to me again, are you?" I said, trying to match his quiet tone. He looked pained.

"Flame, I didn't come here to fight," he said. _Good thing too_, I thought meanly, _you're on Soul territory now_. But at the same time I feasted my eyes on him, trying to fill an endless hunger, before he left again. As he would. As he always would. He didn't belong with me anymore.

"You are pregnant," he said.

I nodded slowly, waiting for the anger to return. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wandered what he was thinking. I wondered why he had thought I was here. He'd probably thought I was terminally ill, with that wonderful Russian fatalism.

"You looked terrible," he started, then stopped, searching for the right words.

"Oh thanks," I said quietly. He frowned and looked away. I had been hoping for more along the lines of _Wow! What wonderful news_! Silly me.

"Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?" he asked.

"It must not have come up in our lengthy conversations," I said. He grimaced. My heart ached to speak to him so bitingly, but it would break if I couldn't tell him how I felt. Now or never.

"You don't know how much I've wanted to speak to you," he said, teeth clenched.

_Wow, Leader of the Free World, powerless to speak to a woman he's sat in front of for weeks_, I thought, but managed to hold my tongue. I longed to touch him.

"You knew I couldn't," he continued, "But you could have got a message to me. You could have told Melts Blue Ice to tell me-"

"What for?" I interrupted quietly, "you would only be angry with me." He watched me lengthily.

"Is it mine?" he said softly. I stared at him, stunned.

"How can you even ask? Of course she is!" Wow. He thought I'd moved on? What universe was he living in? An image of Lena popped into my thoughts. I squashed it instantly.

"Is she ok?"

I shrugged unhappily. If she died would that help his political career?

"So far so good," I said, crossing my arms protectively over my belly, "I won't tell anyone you're the father. I know we're not so great for your image right now-"

He strode over and sank to his knees beside me, cupping my face in his hands. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the beautiful pain of feeling his hands on my skin again. The world was standing still, my heart and breath frozen in time.

"Flame," he said fiercely, then looked away, gentling his voice, "you are going to look after yourself aren't you? You're going to stay here and rest?"

"Of course," I whispered. It was not like I had any choice. It was not like I had anywhere else I could go.

"I have to go," he said finally, and my heart fell into a deep cold pit. I longed to ask when I would see him again, but I knew it would be pointless. I covered his hands in mine and concentrated frantically on not crying.

"I love you," he whispered. I heard him clear his throat as he stood up, pulling his hands away, and then he was gone. I called the nurse and sank into chemical oblivion.


	12. Chapter 12 Letting go

**Letting go**

***

Diane brought my things into my Healing Centre room. I listened to the radio every chance I got, whenever the nurses weren't around. Which was mainly late at night. But I had nothing to get up for in the morning, so time was more or less meaningless. Time as measured in hours, minutes and days anyway. Time measured in months was all important. And excruciatingly slowly, the months slipped by.

The voices were never anyone I recognized, but I listened anyway. I had missed listening to their stories, but it was a poor substitute for seeing Alex.

Then one night I recognized a voice. It was Blackheath's.

"This is a message from Dukh to his Dusha," he was saying, slowly and carefully, "you are going to have a package."

A message from Blackheath. Weird. I had never heard him on the radio before.

No, a message from Dukh. Dukh – where had I heard that word before?

I turned to the screen and looked it up. Dukh: Hindi word for suffering. Dukh: Russian word for spirit.

Yes!

It was Alex!

That night, at the party he had been telling Melts Blue Ice about Dukh, his nickname at school… but he hadn't noticed I was there. So this was a message for Melts Blue Ice then. I wasn't convinced. I looked up dukh, Russian, spirit. The words leapt out of the screen at me

"Dal's Russian Dictionary (1880) notes that Dukh (spirit) and Dusha (soul) are noted separately only for convenience…"

Dusha – _Soul_! _His_ Soul! He _had _noticed I was there. The message was meant for me!

I could hear the nurse doing her rounds and I shoved my stuff away, pretending to sleep.

It was the longest day ever. Why was Blackheath sending a message for Alex? What would my package be? Last time I had sent cryptic messages, I had been the package. Did that mean Blackheath was coming? That made less and less sense the more I thought about it. Why would Blackheath go near a city, much less a Healing Centre, to visit me? Unless they wanted my help in some way. My stomach dropped. But that was crazy too. Alex knew I was restricted to bed rest. What use could I possibly be here?

I could only come up with one reasonable meaning: that Alex was coming. I nurtured my secret greedily all day.

Finally there was no one around, and I could get out the radio. I listened intently for a break in the transmissions. At last the paces of messages slowed. I snatched up my notes from last night and grabbed the transmitter.

"This is a message for Prizrak from Plamya," I said shakily, then paused to clear my throat, "Come home soon you bastard."

There was silence for a while then the crackle of someone picking up a transmitter.

"You tell him, Plamya," said a voice I'd never heard before.

But he didn't come.

***

Bhask came instead, waking me in the middle of the night when nurses were at their scarcest.

"Hey Mum," he said quietly.

"Hey you!" I replied grinning happily. Then I saw Dorsey standing behind him.

"Dorsey!" I yelled gleefully and we all shushed each other in a tangle of arms and hugs. I was laughing and crying at the same time. _Dorsey_! I hadn't seen her in months and months. Eventually I noticed they weren't quite as pleased as me.

"Guys?" I asked, "Are you alright?" They nodded, and Bhask looked at Dorsey.

"Are you ok? Why are you still in hospital?" she asked, but she wouldn't look at my eyes.

"I'm fine. What's going on. It's not Alex is it? Is he ok?"

"Sh, he's fine," she said, but looked even sadder, "It's, well…" she rallied herself.

"Mum's been sick for a while," she said. _Edie_? I thought, _sick_?

"She… she…," Dorsey was crying silently, "She's gone, Flame."

"She's gone," I repeated, stunned.

"I'm so sorry," Dorsey said. "I'm so, so sorry." Mute, I held her close.

"Alex wouldn't let me come. I was so angry with him, Flame. I had a really bad fight with him. I had to get Bhask to sneak me in," Dorsey said, "I couldn't believe he hadn't told you she was sick. And now it's too late."

_Edie was gone_, I thought, _I hardly knew her_.

"She wanted you to have this," she held out Edie's wedding ring. My heart twisted sharply. What use did I have for a wedding ring? Alex was never coming back. I felt my breathing grow shallow.

"Flame?"

_Never coming back_.

"_Flame_!"

The world was growing dark. The nurses would be coming.

"You have to go Dorsey," I whispered, "They'll find you."

Then I was gone.


	13. Chapter 13 Feeding

**Feeding**

***

My stomach felt strange. Small. Empty. I dragged my hand over it.

"Hungry Flame? Can you hear me?" the Healer was saying. I opened my eyes. Dorsey was gone. It was day. I tried to concentrate. Must be sedated again.

"How are you feeling?"

I hated that questionn. I think I could handle never hearing it again.

"Fine," I said. _Weird_, I thought. My fingers ran over the sheets, feeling the smooth weave of the fibres.

"Would you like to sit up?"

I looked at him, uncomprehending. Was this a test?

"I'm not allowed," I said. He looked at me sympathetically.

"You are now."

I stared back at him as he helped me sit up, starting to understand. It was astonishingly high, sitting up for the first time in ages. My heart pounded trying to keep up.

"Why?" I whispered, then bit my lip. He sat down and took my hand.

"There were complications last night. Your body couldn't hold on any longer," he said softly. I said nothing, feeling my breath coming in gasps and trying to stay collected.

"We had to take her out," he said, "She would have died." My heart stopped.

"Would have?"

He nodded.

"She's in paediatric intensive care. She's very premature."

"But she's alive?" I insisted. He sighed.

"For the moment. Her body isn't made for being outside you yet. We're doing the best we can."

I smiled wildly, feeling relief flooding through me. _She's alive_!

"Hungry Flame, you need to understand," he went on, concerned, "Soul Medicine is not so far advanced when it comes to children. Especially babies. We haven't had much opportunity to practice."

My smile dissolved.

"What do you mean?"

He sighed again, harsher this time, like it was patently obvious.

"We don't know if she'll make it. They are really not supposed to be out so early. They are not made to survive like this." I felt my face go impassive. _She has to make it_, I thought. I pulled my hand away from his. _She has to_. _She's all I've got left of him_.

***

Bhask sidled in and knelt by my head.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. I held his head in my hands, stroking his hair back.

"I should have listened to Alex. I shouldn't have brought Dorsey," he said miserably, "I just thought, if it were me…I'd want to know. I didn't know you were…"

"Hey," I said, gazing into his eyes, "you did what you thought was best. Who could ask for more than that."

He nodded, but looked away.

"Where's Dorsey?"

"Hiding."

"From me or from the other Souls."

"Both I guess."

"Tell her it's ok, will you?"

He nodded again.

"Can you get her here again? I really want to see her," I asked. He looked hunted.

"I don't know… It was a close call last time. There are nurses everywhere. If she got caught…"

"It doesn't have to be here. I'm allowed to sit up. You could put me in a wheelchair and wheel me out to a garden."

He thought about it then nodded.

"I'll be back."

He returned a while later with the wheelchair, and took me to a quiet corner of the garden. Dorsey crept out of the bushes and I held her tight. She tried to talk, and I shushed her. I didn't want to hear her apologies.

"Don't talk about it, ok? She's fine, I'm fine…" I said. They didn't look convinced. "Tell me about something else. How are you? What's going on out there?"

Bhask gave Dorsey a look.

"_Please_ tell me what it's like out there," I pressed.

"Bhask, you go away if you don't want to hear this. I haven't seen my sister in months and I'm not going to censor my catch up," Dorsey said, squaring her shoulders. We grinned at each other. Bhask looked worried but stayed put.

"Let's see, I last saw you at Flynt's camp? Man, that was a while ago… Bhask was away on men's business-"

"Oh of course!" I'd forgotten. I looked at him expectantly.

"He's finished the first stage," Dorsey said, quiet with pride, "he'll go back and finish the others later."

"Swaying Petals said you had a new name?"

"Oh, everyone's got a new name now," Dorsey said, "It's all this war time secrecy. You know Alex didn't even tell us you were taken? I had to physically go to Flynt's camp and find out you weren't there. What happened there anyway?"

I told her. Dorsey was livid.

"Oh, just wait til I see him next!" she said, jaw jutting out. Bhask looked at me imploringly.

"Dorsey, please. He must feel bad about what he did-"

"He's probably too busy to feel bad."

"Come on, this is Alex we're talking about"

"No, it's _Hawkmoth_. It's crazy. You don't know what it's like now. They've copied the best stuff from all the camps and have this high tech hideout thing going on. It's mad. No, seriously insane. All secrets and passwords and off limits areas. If it wasn't for Blackheath taking pity on me I wouldn't have even found out where he was."

"Blackheath? So he's talking to you now?"

"Yeah," she looked shy somehow.

"You know Blackheath sent me a message from him. On the radio. I think they were trying to warn me you were coming. Isn't that weird? Why would Blackheath be sending a message for Alex?"

She looked at me in disbelief.

"I forgot how out of it you are here. Blackheath is like his right hand man now."

"_Blackheath_? But… He wasn't at the talks…"

"No, he's not a leader. He's more of an ideas man. They plan the attacks together."

That explained a lot.

"But why didn't Alex just send it?"

"Are you kidding? The voice of the Leader of the Free World? Everyone recognizes it instantly. But they were supposed to be on some top secret super important job," she frowned, "no, neither of them _could_ have sent it. Remember Bhask? I was screaming at him while they were packing-"

"Screaming at Blackheath?"

"No, at Alex," she said, blushing.

"He wouldn't even give me the time of day because whatever they were off to do was so damn important." _Why did I always fall for guys who were married to their job?_ I thought.

"He really sent you a message?" Dorsey asked.

"I heard him with my own ears."

She was silent for a moment.

"What were they doing?" I asked finally.

"Oh, as if they'd tell me," she said cuttingly. I looked her, stunned.

"No, you _really_ don't know what it's like now. It's all hush-hush, need to know. If it wasn't for Blackheath I would have been eating alone."

"Oh come on, _Dorsey_ eating alone?" Dorsey _never_ ate alone. Boys flocked to her. But she was shaking her head.

"If you're not part of the system, they don't trust you, they won't tell you anything, they certainly won't sit down for a chat. Security, security."

I could see how a Soul girlfriend would not fit in very well there.

"You know, he's an ok guy, when you get to know him?" she went on in a small voice.

"Blackheath?" I laughed. "I'm sure he's perfectly nice to you, if he's not insane. But he'll never let these get within three feet of him," I said, pointing to my eyes. "Anyway, why aren't you part of the system? You're practically related to the Great Leader."

She grimaced.

"It's all about alliances now. Our lot weren't keen on their methods. We didn't want our people used as soldiers in their little games. But we're not totally out of it. You know Alex just decided one day that he represents us as well as Flynt's group? That's just so Hawkmoth. How's he supposed to represent us? He doesn't even talk to us. You can so tell he grew up off-res."

"Dorsey!"

"Fine, sorry..."

"He's just trying to protect you guys. You wouldn't join in any of the other alliances. You would have been taken over by another group." Bhask said unhappily.

"Instead we get taken over by him, at a word. Because his word is law, no one would dare cross him."

"I don't get how this happened. What is this Hawkmoth business? How on earth did Alex become 'Leader of the Free World'?"

"I don't know. It just sort of happened. Heaps of people knew him, like from the Human Voice Project, from the Congress… They kind of trusted him already. At least, more than some of the others. And then there was all that fighting between groups, and some really horrible plans for the Souls... He just doesn't take any crap from anyone, you know? He calls their bluff, stands his ground. He cut through all the bullying nonsense. People could see he was a decent guy. They wanted to work with him. So when he sort of started ordering people around, the just did it." _Except for me,_ I though, _I was never very good at taking orders._ _Just like Dorsey_.

"Now everyone just about does whatever he says. You know he even got them to put a piano in his cave? _When_ he gets time to play it I have no idea."

"You make him sound like a dictator." Bhask grumbled

"Yeah, ok. I guess I'm not the best person to give him a character reference right now."

"He is still Alex," Bhask added.

"He is?" I said, grabbing at the first piece of good news so far. I could finally get something off my chest.

"Have you seen a woman called Lena…" I started hesitantly.

"Oh that tramp!" Dorsey scowled. My stomach dropped a good two inches.

"She's been after him for ages. He's so not interested."

"He's not?

"Of course not! Flame! He's bloody in love with you!" My heart jumped back up and floated away. Dorsey laughed affectionately. "You are _such_ a dope. He can't just spit in her face though, she's an important leader."

"Of course," I said happily.

"You saw her at the talks? How did they go?"

"Ah… fine," I was coming back to earth fast.

"Flame," she said in a low voice.

"Well, we made a lot of progress…"

She raised her eyebrows.

"I just, I guess I had a bit of a hard time of it."

"What, was Lena awful?"

"No…"

"Spit it out Flame."

"Alex, Hawkmoth, whatever… he sort of ignored me the whole time." It was so good to whinge about it finally.

"Oh man," she said, teeth gritted, "Ooh man. The whole time? Oh he is in for it. He is _so_ in for it. He just ignored you? Where does he get off?"

It was so good to see Dorsey again.

"The first time I'd talked to him since… since I got taken, was after the talks finished. He dropped into the hospital."

"Yeah I bet he dropped in. God! He has weeks to talk to you and leaves it til he's supposed to be somewhere else to chat. Didn't he even care you were pregnant?

"He sort of didn't know."

"Sort of?"

"I didn't tell him."

"Why on earth not?? It's his kid!" I loved how Dorsey knew this without a doubt.

"I didn't want to make it harder for him-"

"Harder for _him_? What about you? He loves you Flame!"

_Not enough_, I thought.

I hugged her close. "It's _so_ good to have you back, Dorsey."

But of course they couldn't stay. And then I was alone in the Healing Centre again. Well, almost alone. A tiny human kept barely alive by Soul medicine weighed pretty heavy on my mind too.


	14. Chapter 14 Connecting

**Connecting**

***

Diane came to visit soon after. Bhask had spirited Dorsey away again and I was enjoying the new perspective on my walls from a sitting position.

"Have you seen her yet?" Diane asked.

I shook my head.

"She's in ICU."

"Do you want to go see her?"

"I can walk!" I suddenly realised. I wasn't stuck to this bed anymore.

"You haven't walked in months. You haven't _sat up_ in months. I'll get a wheelchair."

"Please Diane, let me try and walk?"

I leant on her shoulder and she steadied me as we stepped slowly down the corridor. I was sweating before we'd gone past three rooms.

"You're tiring yourself."

"It's crazy! I'm exhausted! But it's wonderful. I can walk. New walls!"

We rested a moment then went on. Finally the glass screen that let you look into the ICU was visible. I wondered if she'd look terrible. Would I recognize her? Was she horribly deformed?

I looked through the glass hesitantly. There was only one baby there. A bit bigger than my hand. A machine covered her head, but the rest of her was bare.

"She's mine?" I whispered. That was the one that been inside me? That tiny little humanoid? Bhask had been so much bigger. I couldn't help but compare them. A nurse came over.

"You must be Hungry Flame," she said softly, smiling at me, "she's doing ok." I couldn't stand up any longer and Diane helped me to the bench in front of the glass.

"Really?" I whispered.

"That machine is helping her breathe," the nurse continued, "it pushes the air into her lungs and helps open them out properly. She didn't need lungs inside you. And that tube is delivering her food straight to her blood."

"Like mine," I said, "I had one of those."

"Right. It's how she got food inside you. So we're doing it the same. Her liver's not ready to cope with food from her gut yet. But give it time, it'll get there."

"Why isn't she pink? My boy was pink."

"Her heart has some holes in it, it's not used to working with lungs yet. Normally it wouldn't for a few months yet. She's still trying to work out what her body's supposed to be doing."

"Poor confused little mite," Diane whispered. The nurse let us be.

"Are you going to name her?" Diane asked.

"I don't know." I didn't seem right to name her without Alex. But Alex might never come. Probably would never come. And she might not live. Did that mean I should wait to name her or not?

"Ah here you are, ducky. Can't have mother wandering round all day. Baby needs you to stay put so the nice nurses can find you," a nurse I'd never seen before said. I got the impression she'd been in the Healing system a long time.

"The food source needs to check in morning, noon, and night, _okay_?" she pronounced it to rhyme with popeye. I looked at her, puzzled.

"The milk bar," she peered at me, frowning, "That the best you can do?"

I covered my chest self consciously "She can't even eat yet!"

"It's not for now, ducky, we freeze it for later. So she doesn't miss out on anything. Liquid gold, this stuff." Diane left me to it and the nurse ran me through the procedure.

"I'll take you back to your room now?"

I shook my head.

"Thanks, but I want to sit with her a bit."

There wasn't much to look at. A tiny almost pink body under a mass of tubes and wires. But I couldn't drag myself away. I didn't want to leave her alone. Maybe this was the only time I'd ever have with her. The future didn't bear thinking about. I watched as the nurses checked her rhythmically throughout the day and night, spraying her tubes, replacing wires. I envied their closeness to her. Occasionally I'd fall asleep on the bench and they'd take me back to my room. I was back on my bench as soon as I regained consciousness. I thought about bringing my bedding down and setting up here. It's not as if anyone else used it.

***

One night I was leaning on the wall, trying to keep my eyes open in the dim late night lighting. I jumped as I felt someone sit down beside me silently. It was Alex: I held him as tight as I could and buried my head in his shoulder.

"Hey," he said softly, folding his arms around me. I let go of something internally and began to cry, pressing my cheeks into him. He rubbed my back gently and endlessly.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. He was back, he was back. I didn't want to think about how long for. He was back and he was here and I didn't have to do this alone.

I finally got myself together enough to sit back. He went to look at her, leaning on the glass, pressing his hand against it.

"Her lungs haven't developed enough to breathe air properly," I whispered, gazing at her numbly. "That's what the machine's for, to help her breathe. It's normal for her age. She'd be perfectly developed if she was inside me." I didn't tell about her liver, her heart… he didn't need to know.

"I should have stopped her," he murmured. I knew he meant Dorsey.

"You didn't even know she was coming. You forbade her to."

"But I knew her. I should have known her." He looked back me.

"You're exhausted," he said frowning. He sat down and I put my head on his shoulder, "when was the last time you slept?"

I shrugged. He smelt good. Like Alex.

"I'm ok," I murmured.

"You always say that," he said, gathering me into his arms, "and you never are." He walked me out, and I didn't have the faintest flicker of energy to protest.

"Where are you staying?" he asked. But the truth was I hadn't spent enough nights outside the hospital to need a place outside. Alex, apparently, had. He drove me to his apartment. Heaps Big Leader of the Free World given his own place by his Soul underlings. Though I guess all the delegates had had one. I wondered if they'd shared or had one each.

As he laid me down on the bed I wrapped my arms around him tight and kissed him.

"Hey, I thought the point was for you to sleep!" he said, unpeeling my arms from round his neck.

"Sleep is for the weak," I replied, resisting, aching to be close to him, lose myself in him.

"Well, that would be you then," he said. Reluctantly I let him go and rolled automatically onto my side, staring at the wall, gathering the blanket into my belly. It was a familiar position for me. I let him pull off my shoes without bothering to move. I was so tired. He relaxed next to me in the darkness, tracing the lines on my face.

"Tell me what I can do to make you happy," he said softly. _Tell me you're not going anywhere_, I thought, _tell me you're going to stay_. But I knew they were pointless things to ask. I closed my eyes.

"Can you," I started slowly, "pretend, that nothing else exists, but this."

"What, the pillows?" he teased gently.

"Yes the pillows. And You. And Me. And maybe three cubic metres of air around. But no Time, no Future, no Past…" _No hospital, no humans, no Souls, _I thought, "just now."

"That doesn't sound like it includes much off the bed then," I could hear him smiling, "No window?" I opened my eyes and gave him a small smile back, pulling closer to him.

"No window."

"No door?" He wrapped his arms gently around me.

"_Definitely_ no door," I said, "You. Me. and Now. And that's it." How I wished it could be true. I slid my arms up his back under his shirt and felt his muscles contract. He leant closer. He _wanted _to kiss me. I could feel it. Finally I closed the gap and kissed him longingly. He cupped my face in his hands as he kissed me back, then slowly pulled away. His breath shuddered raw into my cheek. My hands dragged down his back and followed his arms up to his shoulders. I pushed my mouth back onto his and this time he didn't pull away. His hands traced down my body, then pushed slowly up my sides, sliding up my top to bare my belly.

"Wait," I said, letting go of him and resting my forearms on my forehead, trying to focus. He moved his hands under my shoulders, pressing his lips to my collarbone.

"No, stop," I said, frowning harder and closing my eyes against him.

"You don't want to do this?"

"No," I said, unclenching my jaw, "I really, really, want to do this." He leaned forward and brushed my lips with his. I turned away.

"But I can't," I said. He leaned back, waiting. I tried to gather my thoughts.

"I can't do this. I can't wait around wondering when I'll see you again. If I'll see you again. I just can't cope with that. I can't do this if you're just going to vanish again in the morning." I could feel him watching me. I waited, wound up tight.

"Flame, I love you. If I could, I'd want to be right here, all the time." My stomach dropped:_ If I could_…

"But… we've got a chance here. The best chance we've had in years." By 'we' I knew he meant humans.

"I can't let that slip," he went on, "Don't you think that's important?" I knew it was the most important job in the world at the moment. My heart ached with defeat.

"Why can't someone else do it?" I whispered. He sighed.

"Who would you rather have? Grierson? Lena? A new Foreks? You should have heard what some of the others wanted to do. I couldn't let that happen." I knew he was the only person I'd trust to do this right. Why did he have to be so perfect?

"You are-" he started, but I rolled onto him, kissing him hard, silencing him. I didn't want to hear any more. I knew what he was going to say.

And sure enough, when I woke in the morning, he was gone.


	15. Chapter 15 Separating

**Separating**

***

Showering and dressing were done as if I was another person, separate entirely from the one who was quietly dying inside. I made my way back to the hospital on auto pilot, and my feet trod their well known path to the paediatric unit. I stored my morning milk deposit and watched my baby through the glass as if I'd never left, as if he'd never come, the same misery and anxiety heavy inside me, the same tiny baby unmoving but for the heaves of artificial respiration.

"You can touch her, you know," the nurse said, coming up behind me. I looked at her, startled.

"No, I can't! She's-"

But the nurse smiled softly as if amused.

"Yes, you can," she said, leading me round to the entry. We put on clear face masks and she sprayed me with outside clean. My hand fitted into an outpocketing inside the chamber, and the nurse showed me how I could stroke her with my fingertips. I cried out in wonder as she reacted to my touch, jerking her tiny muscles. I was enthralled. The nurse left me to it.

***

Late that afternoon Melts Blue Ice tapped on the window, motioning for me to join him. I grimaced at him but came out. I had no energy for Soul problems today.

"I need you to come with me for a second," he said.

"Can't it wait?" I said. He waited silently. I gave in and followed him to the car. We were driving to one of the suburbs right on the wall, near the gate.

"What's going on?" I said eventually.

"We might be moving forward on the Treaty more quickly than we thought," he said.

"Which part?"

"The accommodation part," he replied. My lethargy was instantly replaced by interest. Humans, living in the city? That's what he meant, right? He pulled up in a street filled with moving vans. I got out and stared. Humans were moving into half a dozen houses. Humans I knew!

"Stan! Kent! Laura! Raj!" I gasped, "This is Margie's group!"

"It seems they were in between camps at the moment, and thought they'd give living in the city a go. A lot of them grew up around here." _Of course_! I thought. Then Alida was running for me and I grabbed her.

"Flame! You are here!" she said, hugging me back gleefully.

"Of course I'm here, where else would I be?" I replied, watching Margie walk over carrying Etty. Poor Etty looked like she was not at all sure about being back in the city. But so long as she could stick close to Margie she seemed to be accepting it.

"Welcome home, Margie!" I grinned.

"Welcome home yourself," she replied, as Etty began to struggle to be put down. As soon as her feet touched the ground she ran. Hurt, I watched her little arms pumping hard to get away from me. But she wasn't running away. She was running to someone. My heart stopped as he caught her and swung her up into his arms.

_Alex_.

He walked over, smiling at me.

"You come to see our place?" he called.

"What?" I whispered. Margie laughed. Melts Blue Ice had a smile about his face too.

"You didn't know you were moving?"

"He didn't say anything," I whispered.

"You didn't say anything! You Bastard!"

He laughed, putting Etty down and hugging me close.

"I didn't know if it would work. I didn't want to get your hopes up," his kissed my forehead.

"I can't believe you didn't say anything," I replied, shaking my head, but he knew I wasn't really angry. He rocked me back and forth.

"Don't you want to live with me?" he said, gazing into my eyes. I could only smile back, completely overwhelmed.

"Come on Flame, let's see your place! You have to choose your furniture!" Alida yelled, running ahead.

He held me to his side as we walked up the street.

"How is this even possible?"

"I've still got to travel a lot, I'm not going to be here full time," he said, watching me doubtfully, "But I have to make sure things go okay here too, so…"

"You're amazing," I whispered. He grinned and looked away, watching the humans explore their houses.

"You're not so bad yourself."

* * *

Awww... Stay tune for the next instalment of Alex and Flame's (and Dorsey and Blackheath and Bhask and Ayasha's) adventures in _Vision of Kings_! Unless I get sidetracked into writing a one shot from Swaying Petals point of view... what would you prefer? :P


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